Movies Opening This Week: Doesn’t Make You Look Smart

When your name isn’t Earl and you’re not an ex-con, chances are you’ll still go through a lot of bad karma just for winning the lottery.

Lottery Ticket

A black comedy that looks okay, Lottery Ticket involves a guy who wants to get a girl to no avail but suddenly wins the lottery. He doesn’t want anyone to know but, as we all know, secrets don’t quite last long within a tightly-knit community.

 

 

And this is why the winner probably has to go through a ton of weird crap so he can… get laid I guess. Frankly, I’m not very interested in this movie; I wasn’t even paying attention to the trailer all that much, but to its credit, it doesn’t look like it’s trying too hard to be funny, or at least the trailer is serviceable enough not to make that a bit too evident.

As far as comedies go, I guess we could do a bit better.

The Switch

It’s been so long since I last enjoyed a Jennifer Aniston movie. No seriously, when was the last time I enjoyed a Jennifer Aniston movie? Maybe I would if it involved Jason Bateman, who’s always self-deprecatingly funny.

 

 

This time, Aniston wants to be pregnant and is looking for a sperm donor. At a party, her best friend mixes up her preferred sample with his own, and yes, familial chaos ensues. Technically, any suspicions could be solved through DNA tests (which I assume won’t be done because, of course, where would be the drama in that?!) and really, why bother putting out that sperm sample where drunk people could reach it?

While it’s once again familiar territory for Jennifer Aniston, this one looks like it’s going to be a bit… smarter. Maybe a bit funnier too. Whatever the case, this doesn’t look like one of those “hysterical” romantic comedies that resort to a lot of slapstick, this one looks like it’s going to be a bit of a sleeper hit, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this might be a good one. Maybe one of Aniston’s better ones in this new decade.

But hey, if you don’t seem to like this one, maybe this one’s more your speed:

Vampires Suck

At first, you’d think that a parody on Twilight, which in itself is like a parody of established paranormal literature, would be awesome. But then you think, there’s YouTube for that. YouTube is a place for pop culture and memes that replace themselves every 5 seconds. The movies, aren’t.

In fact, why can’t the creators of these types of movies just go to YouTube? They’d find so much more love and success there.

When you put anything irrelevant to vampires—Lady Gaga, Alice in Wonderland, and Jersey Shore—to a movie that parodies and apparently spits at vampires, then a lot could be said about how bad the writing must be. The consistency involved is obviously rooted in the non-sequitur, and the main joke of the movie—which is “Vampires Suck”—is most definitely unsustainable. Just because you’re bashing something genuinely stupid and sprinkling in pop culture references that are similarly stupid, doesn’t make you smart.

I swear I could write a 10-page paper about this, but all I’m going to say is that this movie only proves that there are people who think putting the hate on Twilight for the sake of being cool is… well, cool. At least my hate is a bit more justified; I couldn’t stand the book and stopped at the fourth chapter. This one feels like the bashing is manufactured, thus making the entire point of the appeal of this movie void and null.

In short, they want your money.

And speaking of money, can you say "BLATANT JAWS RIP-OFF”?

Piranha 3D

Thank you for that, Hollywood. I really needed something this concrete.

 

 

 

 

 

From the first frame of this thing to the last, it’s obvious what the hell this movie wants to be. But then, I’m pretty sure it’ll be in the same league as Jaws 3D instead of the classic one. Just looking at those fish gives me the creeps, and I’m not talking about creep factor, I’m talking about how fake they totally look. That’s just mind-boggling to see in 2010, but I guess there’s a sacrifice involved when you want to make something in 3D minus the budget of Avatar.

But seriously, how low can this movie go? It’s uninteresting, to say the least.

Hmm, I guess that’s enough negativity for one week. How about something a bit more positive to end on?

Nanny McPhee Returns

The first one was nothing too amazing, but I have to admit, for a kid’s movie it was pretty good. It didn’t quite pander, it didn’t quite sing, and it didn’t quite bore adults that much. Still, I thought the first Nanny McPhee was a one-time thing, so imagine my surprise when a sequel just sprung by my radar.

 

Somehow looking a lot of the same thing, Nanny McPhee Returns, I don’t think, will be any more amazing than the first one. Maybe it’s even an unnecessary distraction as well as an unnecessary sequel. But there it is. Emma Thomspon is also reprising her role as the titular nanny, and is looking quite comfortable with it. I dare say, she’s the one that’s really worth watching in this whole shebang.

I mean, the dancing pigs? Really?

But I guess it’s still deserving the benefit of the doubt. It has so far been enjoying great critical acclaim, with some even saying it’s an improvement overall compared to the first one. Obviously, Mary Poppins has quite spoiled me, so maybe that’s why I can’t see as much of the good of Nanny McPhee as others do. Awfully rendered dancing CGI pigs, or well-choreographed dancing chimney sweepers? You decide.