September 19, 2008

Meet the Spartans review

NOTE: If ever Sir Datuon chooses to go on with the "movie critiquing", I'm all set. :)

Meet the Spartans

"Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but stupid lasts forever."

This very much fits my feelings to a T.

Much progress has been made in the moviemaking process, but it still depends on the kind of vision the director has. Of course, not all directors are perfect, but if they screw up, they find their footing for the most part, and end up with a classic. Christopher Nolan comes to mind. However, this movie is living proof that there are still directors who don’t learn from constructive criticism, and it’s also living proof that there are also purely stupid people. I mean, if you see a stupid movie making a killing in the box office, you just know that the audience the filmmakers have hit are the embodiment of the undying stupidity of humankind- and seriously, this film definitely made an epic killing- thus, the filmmakers will have to milk out the financial potential before someone else does, by way of regarding their audience as stupid. So in a way, the filmmakers here are actually pretty smart, because as long as people watch their work, they can proceed making their half-baked radioactive waste that has the ability to be immune to the innumerable nuclear bombs of critiques because of the filmmakers’ lead-lined refrigerator of money. Just look at the newer Disaster Movie!

But let’s justify my hatred for Meet the Spartans because declaring something without basis would be conjecture. If I were in court, I would have been charged of contempt by now because I’m sort of stalling, so now, let me dissect this movie- then rip it to shreds.

The first thing you’ll notice about this movie is that it actually looks kind of promising at first. The first few minutes are actually kind of funny, so I thought, “Hmm..., why not give it a chance?”, and so I became a bit more attentive. However, my attention waned as the promise vanished in a quarter of a millisecond- more specifically when they showed their version of Leonidas trying to protect himself from an extremely cheap model of Mumble from Happy Feet- and from that point on, the jokes became extremely lame: they were extremely offensive, stupid, corny, brash and just irrelevant. Yes, the movie has its funny moments, but they are as rare and as hard to find as Nintendo Wii’s in America. And when you do find them, they elude you, and the movie reverts to its original, disgusting format.

Every movie, TV show, pop culture icon and controversial celebrity they try to spoof pile up like UNO Stacko blocks, and in the end, the colorful tower crumbles. I can’t even start with all the “Yo momma!” jokes being blurted out here! If you’re going to put “Yo momma!” jokes, at least make them funny like in White Chicks!

There is no focus. I mean, yes, the main spoof here is the movie 300, but the gags appear unfocused as they shift from spoofing American Idol, Stomp the Yard to Britney’s flashing antics. Some of the references don’t even make sense! They just appear and, like... disappear. So is it like, if you spot it, you’ll laugh? Oh, wow! I never knew you had to laugh!

Almost every single frame will make you want to squirm in disgust, and the low production values highlight this further. Heck, maybe the only bright spot in Meet the Spartans is the casting: the Gerard Butler substitute is excellent, and the Simon Cowell guy, while he looks nothing like the guy, characterizes some nice lines. Perhaps only Carmen Electra is the bad thing about all the casting, but maybe she’s just in it for the money as well?

I don’t even have to repeat this: Meet the Spartans is (and I am saying this with bountiful restraint) awful, and it’s simply something you should avoid like the plague. Had Uwe Boll not chosen to make movies, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg would be the worst directors of this time, instead of being second to that German. Seriously, don’t watch. Heed this before I start swearing, heed this and make use of your life... “Live your day as if it is your last!!!”

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