April 24, 2010

Movies Opening This Week: TITLE FAIL

When you market a product, the product has to have a catchy name, otherwise you go nowhere. While movies don't always end up becoming part of a dictionary like Google, movies should at least have a deliberately ridiculous name ("Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans"), a simple name ("Aliens") or a memorably obvious title ("Men in Black"). If not, the tagline should at least have a little ring to it ("In space, nobody can hear you scream."). Frankly, I don't even know what parts of a movie are more essential to start with than the title or the tagline, so it's incredibly sad that the new Brendan Fraser vehicle fails in the most epic of scales.

Furry Vengeance
Furry. Vengeance. Just look at the name. Not too enticing. It would be too campy for a horror flick (lest it be a B-movie), too unfunny for a comedy, and too unmarketable towards children. The latter especially, which is sad because "children" are the target audience. I can't get over the name, the name. Hell, I haven't even gotten to the trailer judgment part yet, and I wouldn't even bother watching it if I didn't do these weekly posts.

But the trailer is an even bigger fail, because it portrays the movie is a big fail, and there are even some moments when the physics just FAIL. I mean, was Fraser running that fast to flip over one side instead of the other? The mind boggles.

And did I mention that the trailer basically ruined the whole movie anyway? I mean, it's just a cheap, phoned-in attempt at preaching about the environment, and how white people are better than Asian investors who want to rip out a forest to build a mall (and on second thought, did any of the people involved in building the mall even think about location? How do you profit from a mall that's build outside of civilization?).

Such a shame that people like Brooke Shields and DICK VAN DYKE are involved in this obviously bad movie. How low is the respect for Dick Van Dyke nowadays? Seriously. The man's a comic legend and not just some chimney sweeper. SUMMIT, FUUUUUUUUU--!!!

Nightmare on Elm Street
After that abomination, I wouldn't mind watching me some gory horror flicks, but the thing is, Platinum Gems (read: Michael Bay) is the one doing the movie, and as with all Platinum Gems movies, it's a remake, so I'm not sure whether I'm going to really be scared or be bored instead. I mean, seriously, The Amityville Horror was just boring for me.

That said, the original Nightmare on Elm Street is still considered quite the Wes Craven classic, and the trailer of the remake at least shows a bit of promise. I don't know if it will live up to the original one or not, but at least it seems like a movie that'll compel you not to sleep. Now, I haven't really watched the original though, so I can't really be a reliable basis for that "promise" thing. It's good to know that the remake is going to have some alterations though, because a faithful recreation would become irrelevant in just a matter of seconds. Whether the alterations are for the good is still an issue that's up for debate, but I can safely say that I wouldn't really mind watching this movie with friends.

Iron Man 2
But Iron Man 2 is going to obliterate all those other movies, if only because the first one was a rocking fun time. Americans are probably raising their eyebrows right now and saying, "but the movie doesn't come out till May 7", and to that I answer: but the movie is coming out April 30 in the Philippines. So go suck it, First World.

On the eve of Tony Stark's identity reveal and his annual Stark Expo, a few enemies have come his way to stop him and gain control of his powerful armor. In the fight he also gets a few allies like War Machine (which would've been a solid gig for Terrence Howard if he weren't such a diva) and Black Widow (played by Scarlett Johansenn), but obviously the bigger scene stealer would have to be Mickey Rourke as Whiplash. While his character looks ridiculous (and his chains just seem a bit off), he still evokes some form of intimidation, if only because of his size. The biggest fear for me would have to be the simplicity that could possibly become lost in the shuffle of all those villains and new characters, I mean, the biggest appeal for the first two Spiderman films and the first Iron Man film was basically the coherence of the plot. I don't want this movie to end up becoming a convoluted Spiderman 3-esque adventure, but a lot of signs point to this, and I hope director Jon Favreau knows better than that (along with the studio for that matter).

Still, Robert Downey Jr.'s charisma is much more tolerable than angsty Tobey Maguire, so there's that shred of optimism.


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