Movies Opening This Week: OMG THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER Edition

This week's wide releases are rather... magical or just really bad depending on your tastes. But since the majority vote states the former, then I will "go" with the former... although I don't know how long I will last with my objectivity and unbiased-ness.

But before the real deal, here's an appetizer:

Observe and Report

Seth Rogen stars as a mall cop named Ronnie who is on a mission to find out the "pervert" who is after Brandy (Anna Faris). Perhaps, this is another one of those rom-coms that come in the vein of Zack and Miri Make A Porno, in a way.

Personally, I'm not that convinced with the trailer, but early reviews state that the director Jody Hill tries to redefine the comedy genre, and I'm in for something as ambitious as that.

AND NOW, I serve you not one, but two movies that are EXCITING, MAGICAL, AND AND AND AND AND MIND-BLOWING! IT'S LIKE, WOWWWWW!

FIRST OF ALL,

Hannah Montana The Movie

A tween's wet dream (Errr...), Hannah Montana The Movie must feel like Citizen Kane to them. Or maybe, that 3D concert was?

Anyway, Miley Cyrus returns to her blonde wig to play pretend as a celebrity called Hannah Montana. Truly, it's like Clark Kent. He just has to wear glasses to become Clark Kent, and remove them to become Superman. What is up with these people, anyway? How could they actually be so blind? Oh, and why does the blonde version of Miley Cyrus have to be the superstar persona anyway? Why not the brunette one?

Oh sorry, lost my composure there. I guess you can say that Hannah Montana isn't worthy of over-analyzation.

Umm, this here movie is about Miley doing what she usually does. But one day, Billy Ray over there gives Miley an achy-breaky heart by sending her to Tennessee, where she doesn't have a chance to get the star treatment (BUT THE TRAILER ALSO STATES OTHERWISE, I mean, ahem, ahem) and she has a chance to be just herself (oh yeah, that's original).

If there's a lesson to be learned in this friggin' masterpiece, it's that blondes have more fun. I mean, this thing was probably made because of the number of tweens who put on a blonde wig (perhaps even when they're blonde already) and sing and sing and sing and think that they sound good, (although for the record, Miley's voice sounds A LOT BETTER THAN USUAL in the trailer's song which is surprising) and the parents have become really, really mad and Disney caught wind of this and decided to make the story revolve around acting like one's self because they don't want to lose their cash!

Err, I mean, err... OH LOOK HERE'S THE TRAILER! DON'T FLAME ME, PLEASE!

Next "OMG AWESOME" film!

Dragonball Evolution

It's so... it's so... it renders me speechless, just... speechless. I'm just... blown-away by how everything in this film is just so... so... goshdarn creative!

Now, replace those italicized words with different ones... negative ones.

You know the drill: some evil thing wants to take over the world and Goku is the unlikely he- oh, it's not that kind of film? Oh sorry, I thought it was that kind of movie because of the hodgepodge of scenes that indicate convoluted sub-plots that eventually lead to that epic fight with that higher power. Oh, so it really is that kind of film? Fine, OK.

Really, does anyone really wanna watch this? There's a lot of promotion, and there's the name recognition (It really grinds me that they even spelled it incorrectly. Seriously, it's Dragon Ball. Not Dragonball. They should've at least made it DragonBall or something. Ah screw it, the title's all-caps in all the posters. It's as if they're shouting it: "DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION! HI-YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!") but seriously.

The seriousness of the moment escaped me by 0:09. Seriously, you'd think they'd put more personality to these people!

As a bonus, though, here's the real anime Goku with his reaction to the film.

Amen to that...?

Shows Children Should Never Watch

NOTE: This is a sarcastic post. Do NOT take it seriously.

Many shows brand themselves as being the best thing children should watch. Which should you believe?

This post will tell you what, and break down some of the popular children's shows on cable television today.

NEVER LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH:
Pokemon
Pokemon has been running for what seems to feel like decades. And what do you know? It has.

Why do the kids fancy this utterly corny cartoon series? I don't know. Maybe it's the Pokemon? But anyway, the reason one should never let one's siblings or children watch it is plainly because the show exposes children to a land full of freeloaders and uneducated idiots who only has a knack for fighting. Yes, this show promotes war. Even the movies predict of apocalypse, and that's because they like fighting only for the sake of damn badges. It's not like they're made of gold or something.

And although each episode tries to imprint upon the minds of the impressionable youth some values, the youngsters focus more on the fighting, because their favorite Pokemon might just appear. Other than that, Pokemon is also pretty harmful, and at some point, cause epilepsy. I'm serious, no I really am. If you click this link, you can see why.

There are even other unhealthy stuff going around the Pokemon franchise, and that extends to cards and the game itself so I won't elaborate. Otherwise, it would be a whole other post. But moving on...

Fairly OddParents
Nickelodeon's Fairly OddParents show may seem cutesy and harmless- even funny at first. But what it imparts to the younger children is this: you can get what you want, whenever you want, however you want it.

Yes, it lets children know that being demanding all the time is OK, and that their parents won't get sick of them doing just that, and that if one is pursuing a dream or "wish", it is not OK to work hard because it'll come their way at any day.

Oh wait, that's not the end of it.

It also teaches children about school personnel being total idiots. And though people will get that irony, the children won't, and they'll treat their teachers as if they're stupid airheads who likes Tuna Sandwich and twists their body at the sound of "Fairy Godparents". Oh, how impressionable the youth can be today.

Hannah Montana
You saw that coming, right?

Well, Hannah Montana the show will make the tweens want to wear blonde (or brunette?) wigs and develop an alter ego. What's wrong about that, you say?

Frankly, I've heard about people having multiple personality disorder only because of the fact that they developed their own alter egos or imaginary friends during childhood- and most of that is influenced by the influence of their idols that predictably, mostly consist of stars their age. Even The Fairly Oddparents (above) have a bit of a commentary of their own about that in a certain episode!

Oh, and not to forget is the topless-kuno photo controversy. If tweens don't get compelled by that, then I don't know what will.

Dora the Explorer
Dora is simply put, an illiterate bastard. And she can't even state the obvious. If you want your children growing up always waiting for a mouse to appear overhead (or to interpret that metaphor, always waiting for someone to tell them what to do), they'll ne'er be independent! (And they'll never get a degree, either because they'll "explore" like Dora.)

What if they have to walk across the street by themselves and have to think like Dora? I can imagine it now:

(in the middle of the street)
"Where do we go next?"

Teletubbies
Teletubbies is probably the gayest show I've ever seen in my life. 'Nuff said.

My Gym Partner's A Monkey
This will make children think that wild animals are really not scary, so the next time you go to the zoo, the entry fee's not the only thing you'll be paying.

High School Musical
Everyone knows that it's still one of the biggest Disney franchises that Disney is still milking money off of. But wouldn't you be embarrassed if your child or sibling suddenly broke into song during class? Or maybe, they'll just think about summer all school year long. And you know what that means- low grades.

Plus, they'll also have the wrong idea about basketball- because they'll think it's only about dancing and cheerleaders and wildcats.

As if Vanessa Anne Hudgens (nude pics) and Ashley Tisdale (fu*ked up nose job; which teaches children not to love their body the way it is and be materialistic as well) weren't bad enough role models already, I suspect Zac Efron's gay.

Grossologists
I haven't actually watched much of this recent show, but I've heard that it really is at times gross. The thing that will go into children's minds however is this: "DIARRHEA IS COOL!".

Anime (in general)
Anime in general is sometimes a bit too bad for children to watch simply because they might end up like Caryl. (Peace.) And if they search the Internet for episodes they missed, they might just have their first erotic encounter.

***
That's all I can currently think of actually, because I don't watch much television nowadays. But still, the post is half-done, because I'd like to show you which shows are pretty preferable.
***
Your children should/can watch:
Jimmy Neutron
He goes to school, he's creative and inventive, and practically a Dexter's Lab clone- sans the nasally voice. But OK, OK, he can get into mishaps sometimes, but he thinks really hard to get an answer at least! Not like some stupid fairy show!

The Simpsons
Yes, shocked?

Children need to learn the harshness of reality and the frankness of the depiction of the show. Yes, even the colorful language is part of reality, because sooner or later they'll learn from their peers. Why not give them a jumpstart?

I know that Homer may screw up most of the time and bring the episode its central scope, and though most of them are really too fantastic to believe, Homer still finds a way- even with all the beer-chugging and chips.

And hey, like the Huxtable family a generation ago, children may just be able to relate to the Simpsons family's situation. Because the honest depiction of the average American family is simply there for all to see- and laugh at.

Plus, if you dig deeper into every episode (especially earlier ones), you'll find a few gems of knowledge and morality and that's all for the good.

And no, Family Guy, South Park and King of the Hill are not probable alternatives.

***
Other than that, I can't think of anything else ideal to watch! So that counts out all the other children's shows currently available on the tube!

But anyway, here is a common mistake left out by writers on the shows listed above:
Most of the protagonists either never listen to teachers in school, disrespect teachers in school, or just plain never go to school!

And so I end this post at that.