Movies Opening This Week: Where's Ahnuld Edition

If Arnold's buttocks was the reason you wanted to watch the next Terminator, then you must have issues. Not only should you know that it lacks the present Governator, but you simply just have issues.

Termintor Salvation

The first Terminator to not have Arnold, the second to not have James Cameron at the helm and the third to have a big-ass budget, Terminator Salvation will by no means haul a load of dough all the same.

Anyway, it's set in 2018 with Christian Bale f-bombing his way against Skynet in a desolate world ruled by the organization and its Terminators. He's not alone, in fact, Christian Bale as John Connor is the leader of the resistance against the Skynet tyranny. Obviously, with a director like McG involved, it will probably have a load more action than there will be story. Just some proof to that McG claim: he's the director of Charlie's Angels.

Despite that, I'm still gonna want to watch this- and in a theater, although personally, I might not be able to do just that. If the film gets what it wants- which is money- then the new gang will surely be back. With or without at least a cameo from Arnold.

If Terminator was a preview at the future (although it's true that it also involves time travel), then this next movie will let you look at the past as you would in a museum... only more animated.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

I have yet to watch the high-grossing predecessor, but I do know that my sister didn't really like it, and the critics didn't really like it either.

Again, it builds up on the first movie's premise of museum figures coming to life. Not only is that logically idiotic since it's not actually the real historical figures in a cryogenic state and just plastic replicas, but it's also just a cash-in... an attempted repeat performance at getting more money.

How they got so many great actors and actresses is just beyond me. True, Ben Stiller is also a great guy, but he's only at his best when he's the director of the movie. The real surprise here is the inclusion of Amy Adams, Ricky Gervais, and Hank Azaria (although he's only great because of his voicework in the Simpsons)! Just... wow. Obviously, they used the box office returns to make a bigger, and questionably better film.

If history ain't your thing, then a spoof might make your day... or not.

Dance Flick

While dance flicks are truly bad and worthy of parodies, the Wayans Brothers' inclusion simply squashes all hope of a truly great parody. Yes, White Chicks was a guilty pleasure of mine, but after watching the trailer... I didn't really laugh much. This is the kind of humor my brothers would like though.

Movies Opening This Week: Will It Suck Again? Edition

Maybe Ron Howard did direct the excellent Frost/Nixon. Maybe Ron Howard can be a great director given the right material. But maybe, just maybe, lightning can strike twice in the same place.

Following up on the much-hyped, controversial but underwhelming (to say the least) The Da Vinci Code, Ron Howard and Tom Hanks team up again for another hyped up movie,

Angels and Demons

Yes, this is another Dan Brown novel, but there's something different about it. Oh yeah, the lack of a controversial theory about Jesus, Mary Magdalene and the Holy Grail, perhaps. But that's because this book is the prequel to that other movie.

This movie oversees Tom Hanks returning to the role of Robert Langdon, the poor man's Indiana Jones, but the mystery this time concerns the Templars... or was it the Illuminati? Oh damn, I forgot about this book... All I remember is the cool effect of the ambigram, so wait a sec, will ya?

...

Ah yes, now I remember. The Illuminati is an organization that wants to annihilate the Vatican through the power of anti-matter. Now, Langdon is on the run in the companionship of another woman (and no, this woman is not Audrey Tatou's character... This woman's different.) so they can stop this plot of destruction. Clearly, this anti-matter is as explosive as (or maybe even more so than) a nuclear bomb!

Will is suck again? Who knows, because it appears Sony isn't quite learning from the hype they set up with The Da Vinci Code. There was so much hype and publicity and all audiences got was a disappointment of several levels. Let's hope Angels and Demons is better.

Movies Opening This Week: OMG THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER Edition

This week's wide releases are rather... magical or just really bad depending on your tastes. But since the majority vote states the former, then I will "go" with the former... although I don't know how long I will last with my objectivity and unbiased-ness.

But before the real deal, here's an appetizer:

Observe and Report

Seth Rogen stars as a mall cop named Ronnie who is on a mission to find out the "pervert" who is after Brandy (Anna Faris). Perhaps, this is another one of those rom-coms that come in the vein of Zack and Miri Make A Porno, in a way.

Personally, I'm not that convinced with the trailer, but early reviews state that the director Jody Hill tries to redefine the comedy genre, and I'm in for something as ambitious as that.

AND NOW, I serve you not one, but two movies that are EXCITING, MAGICAL, AND AND AND AND AND MIND-BLOWING! IT'S LIKE, WOWWWWW!

FIRST OF ALL,

Hannah Montana The Movie

A tween's wet dream (Errr...), Hannah Montana The Movie must feel like Citizen Kane to them. Or maybe, that 3D concert was?

Anyway, Miley Cyrus returns to her blonde wig to play pretend as a celebrity called Hannah Montana. Truly, it's like Clark Kent. He just has to wear glasses to become Clark Kent, and remove them to become Superman. What is up with these people, anyway? How could they actually be so blind? Oh, and why does the blonde version of Miley Cyrus have to be the superstar persona anyway? Why not the brunette one?

Oh sorry, lost my composure there. I guess you can say that Hannah Montana isn't worthy of over-analyzation.

Umm, this here movie is about Miley doing what she usually does. But one day, Billy Ray over there gives Miley an achy-breaky heart by sending her to Tennessee, where she doesn't have a chance to get the star treatment (BUT THE TRAILER ALSO STATES OTHERWISE, I mean, ahem, ahem) and she has a chance to be just herself (oh yeah, that's original).

If there's a lesson to be learned in this friggin' masterpiece, it's that blondes have more fun. I mean, this thing was probably made because of the number of tweens who put on a blonde wig (perhaps even when they're blonde already) and sing and sing and sing and think that they sound good, (although for the record, Miley's voice sounds A LOT BETTER THAN USUAL in the trailer's song which is surprising) and the parents have become really, really mad and Disney caught wind of this and decided to make the story revolve around acting like one's self because they don't want to lose their cash!

Err, I mean, err... OH LOOK HERE'S THE TRAILER! DON'T FLAME ME, PLEASE!

Next "OMG AWESOME" film!

Dragonball Evolution

It's so... it's so... it renders me speechless, just... speechless. I'm just... blown-away by how everything in this film is just so... so... goshdarn creative!

Now, replace those italicized words with different ones... negative ones.

You know the drill: some evil thing wants to take over the world and Goku is the unlikely he- oh, it's not that kind of film? Oh sorry, I thought it was that kind of movie because of the hodgepodge of scenes that indicate convoluted sub-plots that eventually lead to that epic fight with that higher power. Oh, so it really is that kind of film? Fine, OK.

Really, does anyone really wanna watch this? There's a lot of promotion, and there's the name recognition (It really grinds me that they even spelled it incorrectly. Seriously, it's Dragon Ball. Not Dragonball. They should've at least made it DragonBall or something. Ah screw it, the title's all-caps in all the posters. It's as if they're shouting it: "DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION! HI-YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!") but seriously.

The seriousness of the moment escaped me by 0:09. Seriously, you'd think they'd put more personality to these people!

As a bonus, though, here's the real anime Goku with his reaction to the film.

Amen to that...?

Movies Opening This Week (Week 13)

When I'm stumped while doing these posts, I'll just write the movies you will not want to watch. Ever.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

Ever remember the 90's? Yeah, that was when the first live-action Street Fighter came out and it starred Jean Claude Van Damme and the late, legendary Raul Julia (his last project, unfortunately). I'm not sure as to whether this errr, "movie" is connected with that other piece of crap but there is one thing I am sure about: it's gonna suck.

I don't even know why Capcom approved of this. Is it because Street Fighter IV's anime cutscene of Chun-Li related to this? As excited as I am to get the game (and find a way to get it) I don't even wanna know.

Trailer can be found below. Hell, even Dragonball Evolution's was more exciting than this.

Movies Opening This Week (Week 7)

Do you want to be born old?

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

One of my most awaited movies of the year is this Brad Pitt-Cate Blanchett flick. It's about a guy who is born an octogenarian and ages backwards. He meets a young girl as he is dumped onto a retirement home by his father and they would eventually marry as their ages match.

It reminds me, somehow, of the premise of The Time Traveler's Wife.

More Metal Gear

Since I left my blog on the subject of Metal Gear Solid, I found it appropriate to follow it up with even more of that madness.

Can anyone say, "Metal Gear Solid cutesified?"

Yup, Solid Snake gets the LittleBigPlanet treatment. It's so cute, it's kinda creepy. Oh, and their big wide-mouthed grin just throws me off every time.

P.S., here's how the iPhone 3G Sim unlock will work. (Courtesy: iPhone dev team)

Movies Opening This Week (Week 2)

If you haven't been up to speed with my blog, I've started a new weekly habit in which I recommend movies that are opening in theaters anywhere (meaning that it's not only geologically locked to the Philippines) based on their trailers.

To be honest, there's a bit of a dry spell this week (read: Twilight will suck like Eragon) so there are only two movies in here.

The Dukes
This is about a group of has-been singers who lack money. So they break in a dental safe and find gold. But this is their first robbery attempt, so screw-ups are inevitable. I don't know the actors in here, though.

50% Warrior, 50% Lover, 100% Retarded

Ever heard of the newest Disney film Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Yeah, I could make fun of its taglines in several, unforgiving ways, but no, that would be immature. So, what are my views on this trailer? Well, they're immaturely outraged.

If the trailer is any indication, the concept is stupid and unoriginal in the sense that it once again uses dogs (catchy songs in CGI flicks remind me of Madagascar, bleugh), it will confound, it will shock, it will suck.

You might be saying, "But awww, the dogs are cute, the song is catchy as hell, and it's Disney! DISNEY! Give it a chance, please!". Well, I'm sorry to report that Disney is not perfect. Remember: Disney made High School Musical and Hannah Montana. From a 10-year old girl's point-of-view, this may not be very bad, but from a more "knowledgeable" view, it's safe to say that Disney, too, does make mistakes.

But of course, Disney is pretty much having a hiatus from making good movies, and instead focusing on making more damn mistakes! If you don't know what I'm saying, look below!

I actually saw a life-sized cardboard cut-out of the main cast when we were in Robinson's Place to watch Mamma Mia, and when we came out of the theater, we saw that the cut-out was divided into 2. Hmm... looks like I have to find this person and befriend him/her.

Besides, what happens in HSM4? Senior summer? Spring break? Christmas vacation?

But going back to the topic, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is something I'd expect from a company like Dreamworks, not DISNEY. If Mr. Walt was here, he'd put a stop to this unless it was actually a good movie! But no, I condemn this movie to the very bone, and I'd bet Mr. Walt is rolling around his grave right now!

And a word of advice, but this is directed to Pixar, the incorruptible animation studio everyone can trust. DISASSOCIATE YOURSELF WITH DISNEY NOW, pronto before you catch their illness! Back then, everyone thought Disney was incorruptible like you, but what do you know? They've got blood on their hands!