April 4, 2009

Movies Opening This Week: OMG THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER Edition

This week's wide releases are rather... magical or just really bad depending on your tastes. But since the majority vote states the former, then I will "go" with the former... although I don't know how long I will last with my objectivity and unbiased-ness.

But before the real deal, here's an appetizer:

Observe and Report
Seth Rogen stars as a mall cop named Ronnie who is on a mission to find out the "pervert" who is after Brandy (Anna Faris). Perhaps, this is another one of those rom-coms that come in the vein of Zack and Miri Make A Porno, in a way.

Personally, I'm not that convinced with the trailer, but early reviews state that the director Jody Hill tries to redefine the comedy genre, and I'm in for something as ambitious as that.

AND NOW, I serve you not one, but two movies that are EXCITING, MAGICAL, AND AND AND AND AND MIND-BLOWING! IT'S LIKE, WOWWWWW!


Hannah Montana The Movie
A tween's wet dream (Errr...), Hannah Montana The Movie must feel like Citizen Kane to them. Or maybe, that 3D concert was?

Anyway, Miley Cyrus returns to her blonde wig to play pretend as a celebrity called Hannah Montana. Truly, it's like Clark Kent. He just has to wear glasses to become Clark Kent, and remove them to become Superman. What is up with these people, anyway? How could they actually be so blind? Oh, and why does the blonde version of Miley Cyrus have to be the superstar persona anyway? Why not the brunette one?

Oh sorry, lost my composure there. I guess you can say that Hannah Montana isn't worthy of over-analyzation.

Umm, this here movie is about Miley doing what she usually does. But one day, Billy Ray over there gives Miley an achy-breaky heart by sending her to Tennessee, where she doesn't have a chance to get the star treatment (BUT THE TRAILER ALSO STATES OTHERWISE, I mean, ahem, ahem) and she has a chance to be just herself (oh yeah, that's original).

If there's a lesson to be learned in this friggin' masterpiece, it's that blondes have more fun. I mean, this thing was probably made because of the number of tweens who put on a blonde wig (perhaps even when they're blonde already) and sing and sing and sing and think that they sound good, (although for the record, Miley's voice sounds A LOT BETTER THAN USUAL in the trailer's song which is surprising) and the parents have become really, really mad and Disney caught wind of this and decided to make the story revolve around acting like one's self because they don't want to lose their cash!


Next "OMG AWESOME" film!

Dragonball Evolution
It's so... it's so... it renders me speechless, just... speechless. I'm just... blown-away by how everything in this film is just so... so... goshdarn creative!

Now, replace those italicized words with different ones... negative ones.

You know the drill: some evil thing wants to take over the world and Goku is the unlikely he- oh, it's not that kind of film? Oh sorry, I thought it was that kind of movie because of the hodgepodge of scenes that indicate convoluted sub-plots that eventually lead to that epic fight with that higher power. Oh, so it really is that kind of film? Fine, OK.

Really, does anyone really wanna watch this? There's a lot of promotion, and there's the name recognition (It really grinds me that they even spelled it incorrectly. Seriously, it's Dragon Ball. Not Dragonball. They should've at least made it DragonBall or something. Ah screw it, the title's all-caps in all the posters. It's as if they're shouting it: "DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION! HI-YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!") but seriously.

The seriousness of the moment escaped me by 0:09. Seriously, you'd think they'd put more personality to these people!

As a bonus, though, here's the real anime Goku with his reaction to the film.

Amen to that...?

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